Waiting for bad things to be over

Four weeks from today (8 Sept) I'll be in my college having dinner in the hall. I can't wait to cross the last few weeks out of my calendar and be done with it. But I'm not there yet. I should write down what I feel about this period of my life before it's over. I want it to be over so badly. So much frustration and noise and exhaustion.. 

At the same time, I suspect a part of me will miss parts of this although it's smothered in too much pain right now to be noticed. It's amazing how much contradiction can fit into a single person. Now that it's almost over, what am I going to remember from these 2 years of my life? What do I want to remember? What's worth remembering? Are some parts worth forgetting? Similar questions with slightly different connotations. 

It's been so long since I put my thoughts into words, much less in a reflective way like I'm trying to do with this entry. I stopped journaling because I couldn't see the point in it anymore. Looked through my stacks of journals and wondered why I had spent so many hours on them. But I'm sure it's not something I'll regret doing, looking back years from now. I've always believed in recording emotions. Also, pretentiously, it helps me gauge the quality of my prose throughout the years.

I woke up today with a sore throat and deliberated pretty painfully for a while before deciding to take an MC. My DTL (my direct superior) didn't let it go past too smoothly but I decided for once to hold my ground. So I'm at home now, writing this entry. 

The past fifteen months have slipped by and for all the talk of "two years very fast one ah!" I think I felt every minute of this time as I lived it and slipped into the next day. I've never felt as much frustration and powerlessness in my life. It's perhaps a result of privilege as I had pretty permissive parents growing up, and I never really felt restricted by others in terms of what I could say, wear or do. Any bars came from within. Although now looking back they just didn't exercise it, back then it never really felt like anyone had power over me. I miss that sense of freedom in my days.

NS was definitely a first in the sense that there was so much I simply wasn't allowed to do. I remember standing stock still, bored and exhausted in water parade back in TRACOM (Training Command) and thinking how funny it was that at least the birds could decide where they wanted to hop or fly. I resented the trainers for exercising power over me, although it really was just soft power - I remember later asking Danial what he would have done if some trainees simply didn't listen to their instructions, and he said that there was frankly nothing that they could do. 

I remember pretty much the whole of 2024, after getting my A Levels back as being not just painful but embarrassing. I was at my worst then and staying in camp 5 days a week definitely didn't help. I wish I had just had more fun, honestly. I wish I had done better in TRACOM. Been a better leader. Maybe I would have chosen to go into OCT (course for commissioned officers) and my path would look different now.

After posting to my station I remember being unable to adjust to night shifts, getting shouted at by Shervas, being frustrated at being deployed what felt like every other week. I hated having to ask for permission to eat, to go for parties and concerts I loved that made me happy, I hated having to ask for permission to leave station on time. I hated being told to stand and hold this or that, watch that guy, don't ask. I hated that my opinion and feelings were completely irrelevant to not just the organisation (obviously) but the people that ran it. So most of all I think I'll remember the feeling of being trapped. Powerless, unable to exercise my ability to make my life better. The feeling of being stuck was real and overwhelming and extended beyond actual shift hours in uniform. As bad as the lack of agency was the feeling that time was passing and I wasn't progressing. I was standing still as my friends went to university and travelled the world, waiting for my two years to be up. Waiting for the tour to end. Waiting for the shift to be over. Waiting for the next moment I could crawl into the dirty rec room in station and be alone, be a little bit more of myself again. I feel chewed up and spat out.

Settling whatever I have to to prepare for university is a nice feeling. I must have spent countless hours on my college website, on Wikipedia, Google Maps, just thinking and dreaming about good things the future holds. I want very much to feel again like someone cares again, as I think that's probably one of the greatest things I lacked during this time. It's left a big gnawing hole in me that I'm eager to have filled. I want to be loved because NS must have hated me - or more accurately that my happiness was not very relevant to them. 

I hope that in some way these years and these experiences nudge me in the right direction. Whatever that means. Anything to feel like it wasn't completely wasted. 

26 little squares on my calendar before I reach the one I've coloured gold. I hope the emotions I remember from a time before that make life so worth living return and fill my days again. Some songs are filled with so much romance and beauty that I can't bear to listen to them for fear of crying. I still keep a print of New York City on my wall. Maybe I feel things too deeply but I remember these sensations of hope and love and beauty and badly want to embrace them again, if only the greater good would allow it.