I listened to mitski for the first time in maybe a month again today. all the old songs again, Francis Forever, I Bet On Losing Dogs, and a couple newer ones too that I never got to share with her. Bug Like An Angel, and my favourite song from the new album - Buffalo Replaced. I save mitski for special occasions when I can feel it building up and I need to release, need some help to cry. Catharsis, from Greek katharos , "pure". I sometimes find myself using the word "pure" to describe to myself a sense of unbridled uninhibited emotion and a strong sense of being fully alive. It can be joyful or painful or both or neither. What the actual feeling itself is is secondary to the fact that you experience it fully. You are there, breathing, feeling, alive.
Over the past few years I structured my life around chasing these experiences with the firm belief that they would enrich me and fill my life to the brim. I think I was pretty successful. But I've been having these moments less and less recently, and I haven't even noticed. I suppose the rhythm of NS has sort of swept me away with its 4-day cycles and wrecked sleep schedule. What I most crave now is being surrounded by friends the same way I was last year. I only noticed at a friend's birthday last week how immediately happy I was in that room and how much I missed that feeling.. other people truly are our saving grace. I already have too many friends I haven't met in six months and the gap will only grow from here. Maybe this is what adulthood is like? Adulthood sucks.
I've never fully expressed this to anyone but I get a dark sinking feeling when I'm in my house at dusk. It's weird but it's been going on for a couple years now. Today when I got home only my mother was there and she had made dinner for me. We ate and it was the same food as always in the same bowls although I'm so much older now and different. She's older too but less so, age absorbs further age. I think about the old people I've seen in my life and how sad and lonely they can be. I don't know how much I'm willing to give up to save my parents from that.
I used to see every single hour in every single day I had as irretrievably precious and I would fight to fill it with only the best, most meaningful experiences. But COVID and now NS have eaten so much of my time that I've given up trying to maximise my life. I just want this year to be over so I can have a bit of my life to myself again.
Running out of stamina to write more.
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